I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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