and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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