If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
