Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
