i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
