Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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