Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
