I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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