I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
