well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Randomize
