My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
