Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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