Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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