I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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