Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
