Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
