Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
