I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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