someone threw a dead crab at me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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