My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
