Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
