Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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