So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
