I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
