I cannot find my penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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