guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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