So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
