Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i think i have two assholes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
