Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
