Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
