someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
