My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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