I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
