I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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