Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
