would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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