I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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