Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
