You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"