Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.