I'm an idiot
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats