my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol