everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
