I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?