i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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