Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
