i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
