I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
