my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
