Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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