Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
