when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
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i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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