You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
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did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
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I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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