piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
