my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
