im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
