I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
