A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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