mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
