I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
