$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
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I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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